How we forget…

3 06 2010

…and then remember the reasons we started something, both good and bad, selfish and simplistic. I allowed myself to succumb to the school work, pumping out word after word in hopes of satisfying the doctrine of my syllabi (syllabussesess).

I’ve written 6 essays since my last post, perhaps only one of which I am proud of. It is strange the way that no matter the pleasure level, the act of writing an essay still drains me, which I suppose is similar to sex. If you hook up with Megan Fox, who is ugly by the way, it still wears you out just about the same as when you take Rosie O’donell home for some Oofing. I’m spent, in a literary way. I make no claims that this blog entry will aspire to any level of greatness, like the aforementioned Ms. Fox’s acting career.

Let’s roll with that idea. Megan Fox. Note that listing her name 3 times so far may be a vain attempt by myself to gain more hits from google. Hi 15 year old pubescent white boys!No this isn’t another fan site for your favorite Hollywood whore. However, I do have some advice for you before you click the back button and unzip your fly; I recommend aloe for the chaffing, eating less candy to clear up your skin and most importantly to develop some semblance of good taste so that you 1. Stop modifying your Civic with parts from Ebay and 2. Can appreciate a woman who was hot before being airbrushed for seven hours in a sealed lab. Oh, and drop that fucking Monster energy drink habit. Kidney stones are not fun, neither are the long term affects from running your body on a diet of burgers, taurine, and skinny jeans.

Skinny Jeans. I saw some epic ones today, the kind of skinny jeans that are so taught that you wonder how the guy(?) divides his testicles evenly, allowing them to droop between the pant legs without showing. While scoping out the ball-scape on this dude I was distracted by his posse of female friends. There was a large girl with green hair who was sucking ferociously on a child’s pacifier. Let that sink in. Seeing shit like that makes me want to raise the homeland security threat color to HOLY FUCKING SHIT magenta.

Magenta. Not red, not purple, not Barney, not a Corvette. I am suspicious of you Magenta.


The Ugly Box: Part 1

7 05 2010

Let’s talk about ugly things.

I'm so happy I'll kill you

The 1980’s, as pictured above, was a dark time for fashion, and women, ok, well for everyone. I popped out in 84′, so don’t ask me what it was like. I hid in my room until about 1992, but I’ve heard about it. The Emo kids at my local mall think the 1980’s are pretty much the shit, even though I was watching Jurassic Park and listening to the Chilli Peppers around the time their parents’ fertility treatments kicked in. Posers. Go get your own decade.

If this is a dude, he gets laid a lot. Seriously.

Ugly is the new sexy, like 50 was….the new 40? I forget that clich√© trash dumpster of a marketing scheme but you know what I mean. Re-branding, sometimes mislabeled rediscovery, it’s like calling Goodwill a Vintage Clothing Outlet. That stuff was given away for a reason, and reusing it doesn’t make you the original owner. Classic example: Cindy Lauper’s Time after time.

In 2006 a band called Quietdrive covered the song and gained a nice bump in popularity from a fan base too retarded to know that it wasn’t their song.

Watch the crowd shots. I think the cumulative age of all those attending is like 38.

So perhaps this is where the Kia Soul comes in. That’s right, I’m creating a link between an abhorrent social movement and a Korean car company. This blogs got balls.

We are so inwardly bored with our future, since we have so many conveniences in our lives, that we hunger, even secretly, for some nuance of classic ugly. Why? I think it has a lot to do with our obsession with the “end of days,” 2012, etc. The fear mongering has generated some kind of fashion movement, a world where humans have done away with curves and adopted a plastic box as their utilitarian source of solace.

But we dont's wants to drives the Kia

Rutger Hauer is a god damn bad ass. He scares me even when he wears outfits like this:

I killed Peter Pan and took his clothes

So yeah…..Kia. I hate Kia. They have done so well in the past few years to build a reputation for affordable Toyota/Honda clones, albeit lacking in the longevity and build quality departments. You get a car your friends will mistake for Japanese for about half the price of one that actually is. Just remember to change your timing belt every 60,000 miles. That’s nearly half the interval of a standard Honda by the way (bullshit).

Let’s look at the marketing campaign for the Kia Soul:

I was a little worried that the hamsters in the Kia were out doing drive bys, the way they rolled up on their fellow rodents. If you pay attention you get to see the frosting at the end. 31 MPG Highway, 50+ Accessories. Pimp your box, make it look less like other people’s boxes. Ok, now that was dirty. Still, it is an incessant theme now, ever since that fucking Scion Xbox came out we’ve seen the transition between funny little car to standard design integration.

You want to know what is sexy?


1969 Camaro. Now I’m not retarded and I don’t think that the Camaro is an answer to your commuting needs. I don’t want to ruin the planet any quicker, but just bare with me ( Panda Pun!). The design of the Camaro is fluid, and has remained one of the most readily identifiable cars ever produced, even though it is now over 50 years old. In my mind, we haven’t done better.¬† It was cheap, fast, sexy, and got you laid.

But what about the planet?

You know what we need to do, less of this shit:

You thought ricers were bad

I believe, quite strongly, that ugly cars, excuse me, MODERN cars masquerade as “green” alternatives to allow themselves the excuse to be hideous. Somehow buyers are identifying boxed shaped cars with eco friendly, the same way a Republican identifies hippie with tofu. Soy is bad for you by the way. It depresses me to think that in 50 years from now our hallmark of automotive design will be a 15,000 dollar white box whose ad campaign was led by some ghetto ass hamsters.

So let’s recap. The 80’s are scary, Emo kids live there! Time after Time was an awesome song, the first go round, Rutger Hauer doesn’t drive a Kia, and the Camaro is sexy incarnate.

Next up:

Part 2: Waterworld: how Costner got gills and a vagina